Thursday, April 5, 2012

To tutu or not to tutu

Fearing a riotous backlash from Malaysia’s hyper-sensitive, albeit slightly blur, rakyat, the Malaysian Bureau of Riotous Eccentricities & Delusions (BORED) had yesterday decided to ban tutus or any performances involving tutus anywhere in Malaysia.
Tutus, apparently, from now on, are deemed riotously indecent as it may cause a proclivity to immense sexual desires which in turn may result in an increase of illegal shagging, which ultimately, will end in baby dumping, change of faith (especially among the Muslims) and an inexplicable – and highly undesirable -  liking for Barry Manilow’s songs. 
It remains hazy – as it always is in Malaysia around April every year – whether short skirts, tight hot pants, bikinis, swim suits, g- strings, kebaya nyonya and tight kain batiks as well as Aznil Nawawi are going to be deemed indecent anytime soon.
Speaking on the condition of absolute anonymity, a spoke person of the Organisation of Malfunctioning Governmental Shit-Heads (OMGosh) – a new NGO established to defend riotous edicts by various governmental agencies – said yesterday that tutus are Christian Zionists’ propaganda tool which is insidiously aimed at the sub-conscious zone of every person, especially males of between 13 to 84 years of age. Tutus are thus malevolent agents of the Christian Jews who are hell bent on destroying the rakyats through sex, sex and sex.
Says the spoke person (quoted verbatim):
We iz very the worried at diz tootoo coz dey iz work below the otak and the rakyatz not realise wen dey see tootoo dey all become like zombie like dat, dey no realise dey being converted by diz jahat evil Kristian Zionis. We at OMGosh tink diz tootoo is same with der tattoo which last month dat Erika Badu wanted to use to brainwash the rakyats.”
OMGosh, according to the spoke person, has a 42 minute video (in HD) to prove its allegation that the poor and very weak Malaysian rakyats are being cock-and-bull- washed by tutus. It is estimated that to date, 17000 rakyats have been totally “turn-around upside down” by the tutus.
Meanwhile, another NGO, Centre for Complete Kookooness (COCK) today releases the result of a recent survey involving about 300 males who watched the uncensored version of Black Swan in  controlled environments, including their bedroom and toilets. The survey reveals a shocking 5 of them having a complete hard on during the full duration of the movie, even during the scene where Nina-the-ballerina-in-a-tutu was lying bleeding.
That proves that tutus are indecent, says the Chairman of COCK.
The Chairman further says that although he is definitely not racist or anti-Semitic, the fact that Natalie Portman, who plays the leading ballerina in that movie is Jewish did not escape his attention. According to him:
“Dat ah, pruf ferder dat der tutu and der Juice are axiz of evil.”
As of the time of writing, it remains unclear – as is usual here – whether Dato’ Nicol David will be allowed to play squash in Malaysia wearing a short skirt as she usually does in every other tournament around the globe. It also remains completely a mystery whether in the next SEA games, Malaysian body builders are going to have to perform in kain pelikat and oversized baju batik.
Meanwhile, in an unrelated, but most probably connected, news, the organisers of a public forum on “Christian Aqidah – are we threatened by Dong Zong?” today announce that they are seeking a clarification whether the tutu ban will affect Bishop Desmond Tutu’s visit to Malaysia next week. He is supposed to deliver a key-note address at the forum.
Ternama News Agency: 5th April 2012 (four days after April Fool’s day).

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